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Category: Laugh out loud

When did being a mum become so complicated?

At what point did parenting become more complex than a Rubiks Cube after someone’s tampered with the stickers? Sorry, that was usually me. A week or so back I saw Kochie (of Sunrise fame) tweet:

Gee Poppy, dates to park are complicated… Sunscreen, hats, drinks, snacks, spare nappy, clean clothes. Was it always this complicated?

It’s one of the reasons I’m happier sitting on the couch watching the princesses slide down the indoor slide. Now to figure out how to get a swing set through the door.

A fellow mum and I were discussing the “old days’’, when you were brought up by your mum, your nan, your aunties and half the neighbourhood who, really, just told you to “go outside and play’’. What exactly were all those women doing inside, anyway? They certainly weren’t on Facebook.

Nowadays, we mums do much of the parenting role alone (unless you struck gold in the partner stakes). We sometimes also work or run businesses, we juggle five social media accounts and still manage to declutter every inch of our homes.

We put added pressure on ourselves that our children’s Pumpkin Patch outfit stays clean, that their hands are constantly sterilised, they’re fed wholesome meals made from scratch (well, the packet says “homemade’’. Or is that “HomeBrand’’?) and their ponytail sits at a 45 degree angle from the top most point of the head. You do that, right?

What happened to sending them out in the same pair of clothes they wore yesterday? Letting them eat a little dirt, along with some extra protein goodness via a worm or two? Why can’t their hair look more akin to a member of Rolling Stones than Justin Beiber?

I think as parents, we’re our own worst enemies. Sure, keep our kids safe with sunscreen, boundaries in which to play and curfews. But do we go overboard when it comes to letting them be kids? Aren’t kids meant to have faces full of snot, dirt on their knees and a nappy showing off their plumber’s crack?

Are our kids just too… perfectly pampered? Should we get rid of this notion of the perfect parent and cut ourselves some slack? The important thing, after all, is that our kids are healthy and happy. Right?

What do you think? Is parenting getting far more complicated? And who’s to blame? *runs away quickly*

March 16, 2012
The Shed: A strange man just played with my bits

By The Bloke in The Shed

It isn’t every day I let a strange man play with my bits. This day was not any day though and, strictly speaking, he was a doctor.

The time had come for my first medical appointment to ensure no further princesses or princes were added to our household. Here I was with Princess Kel by my side talking to a man about… well, you know… “The Snip’’.

The urologist opened with the line “well, there’s only one reason I see a fit, young bloke like you and his wife …’’. Yep, my sperm should be preparing for a road block.

I’m not sure what I expected, but I was a little surprised when our doctor started using Aussie terms I hadn’t heard or used since high school to describe the process. Did he just say “balls’’?

The most awkward bit came when he said “well, I’ll have to have a bit of a look down there’’. Scene: Kel sitting in same room behind a curtain while someone else fondles “the crown jewels’’. Weirdly, that was the part Princess Kel had the most questions about.

Kel and I had made the decision some time ago that I’d have a vasectomy after the birth of our second child. Seriously, I have been surprised at the negative reaction it’s received from some males. Things like: “What if you want to have more kids?”, “What if you get divorced?”, “You know it’s hard to reverse?’’, “You know Kellie could have a new device inserted which would last for a couple of years?’’etc. The last question actually came from someone in the medical profession.

Frankly, I’ve been shocked by all this. But I guess blokes are a little sensitive and perhaps a little stupidly protective about that whole area.

Me? Less so. Thanks to a reluctance of my “little pals” to drop, I have some horrific memories of several operations as a kid – picture trying to stretch a shoelace with your delicates attached and you’ll get a hint of what I went through. Hence, I consider myself lucky to have fathered children at all and am very content with what life has presented me.

The way I figure it is, I watched my wife suffer two troublesome pregnancies. If this makes our lives a little easier, then it’s the least I can do. I realise that the procedure is final and is incredibly hard to reverse. Fine with that. As I said, I consider myself lucky.

Our GP delivered some sound advice when he told us not to rush into it and leave it at least a year after the birth of Li’l Holly. Let’s face it, with a tired, breastfeeding wife, it’s not often during that time there is an issue in any case.

Yet, 16 months on, neither Kel nor I thought differently, but we did appreciate that time and space to reaffirm our decision. So, the operation is booked.

Why blog about it? Well, it just might just help someone out there. And besides, if your wife has been in the same room while a bloke fondles your balls, there is not much dignity left to be had.

If you have any questions about the process to this point or personal experiences let us know. Or feel free to share your experiences or reasons for your or your partner having “the snip’’.

Image credit.

February 2, 2012
When a princess loses her fairytale ending

Family bedtime reading is starting to become a little lacklustre for Princess Ella. The stories that are fully engaging Li’l Holly – Where is the Green Sheep? and Spot Goes to the Farm – are leaving Ella wanting more. So, to help with her development, we’ve begun reading a “big girl book’’ after Holly is asleep. For the moment, it’s this book:

My Treasury of Fairytales. It’s full of longer fairytale reads, which are more focused on the story and less on the images. Although, the illustrations are quite incredible. We first cottoned onto these books with the My Nursery Rhymes Book.

Her favourite from the fairytale book is Jack and the Beanstalk, which I’ve now read about 738,469 times. I think it has something to do with the “Fe Fi Fo Fum’’ rhyme, despite the fact it’s about grinding bones to make bread. She probably now believes that’s how you make bread, just like she believes breastfeeding mums provide us with cartons of boobie juice for our Sultana Buds.

I tend to try and push her towards the more harmless Cinderella, The Ugly Ducking and Sleeping Beauty. Although, the latter has garnered questions about whether Sleeping Beauty would die if a prince didn’t kiss her.

Then there’s Hansel and Gretel. As we were reading it the other night, an alarm bell went off in my head: “stop reading. This is going to give her nightmares’’. But for some ridiculously stupid reason, I continued. I have no idea what that reason was, by the way.

In the car the next day, Ella piped up with: “Do you know what I’m thinking, Mum?’’. I could have answered with “why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but duck when the gun is thrown at him?’’, but I didn’t. Prompting her to continue, she said: “I was thinking how you went away and left me and I was really sad and I cried. And I was scared you weren’t going to come back.’’

Part of this story stems from taking her li’l sister away to Adelaide for a night for a bloggers brunch months earlier. But I think it was mainly prompted by Hansel and Gretel’s awful stepmother.

The clincher though came that night, when she woke at 1am crying. She was scared and didn’t want to be left alone. Five minutes later I was squished into a single bed with someone more akin to the main character out of the Princess and the Pea for all the wriggling that was going on.

We now no longer read Hansel and Gretel around here.

Are there fairytales you avoid with your children? Has your child been affected by a so-called child friendly story?

January 27, 2012
Australia Day Eve eParty: Click here to join in

Join us as Three Li’l Princesses hosts an Australia Day Eve eParty in the palace tonight from 8pm. Yes, the ABC1 Australia Celebrates Live concert doesn’t start until 8.30pm, but we’ve got the little matter of who’s been announced Australian of the Year to discuss and whether or not they were worthy. That’s announced at 6.30pm, by the way.

The eParty is a chance for mums (and dads) to throw on a flanny, doll up with a bit of zinc cream and slip on some thongs (the feet variety – although, hey, I’m not fussy) as we watch INXS, Katie Noonan, Spiderbait, Sneaky Sound System and the Potbelleez on ABC1’s Australia Celebrates Live Concert.

The night will involve an Australia Day giveaway, silly quizzes, daggy videos and some rather ridiculous photos, courtesy of The Bloke in The Shed (in other words, don’t blame me for those ones!).

Simply click on the link below tonight and start chatting. Feel free to come and go as you please. We’re all mums, so we understand that getting children to bed comes first. We’ll pull up stumps about 9.30pm, when the concert finishes.

If you have an iPhone you can also download a free app to use with the blog at the iPhone app store or on www.coveritlive.com

<a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=e6f59664ae" >AUSTRALIA DAY EVE PARTY</a>

January 25, 2012
How to slide your way into a child’s bad books
DECKED out in their swimmers, they excitedly wave as they pass us on their way to the top of the waterslide. The Bloke in The Shed grabs a mat in the hope it might help he and Princess reach the bottom more smoothly.

As Li’l Holly and I waited for them to reach the top, we watched pretty young thangs in bikinis and fake tan, closely followed by scrawny white college boys with raging hormones (I could see it in their eyes) and horrendous pimples. They need to watch more daytime TV. Hello, Proactive!

As this took place, Holly and I learnt a few things that may have been quite valuable for The Bloke in The Shed to know BEFORE he made his descent with Ella.

Things like:
- A mat will actually make you go faster,
- Going down with two people will actually make you go faster,
- Being a heavier person will actually make you go faster.
Hmm, combine all three elements and you’re leaving Speedy Gonzalas for dead.

Then there was the little matter of children. Seasoned parents reached the bottom of the slide and then threw their arms into the air, holding tightly to their little ones so they weren’t dunked like Arnotts biscuits in a cup of English Breakfast tea. Most of the children stayed relatively dry.

All extremely valuable things to know. Of course, The Bloke in The Shed was totally obvious to all this.

Finally, it was time. Ella clung onto The Bloke in The Shed in the most awkward of ways, while the two pushed off on the mat plummeting faster than so-called prices as Coles supermarkets. As they made the final bend, they headed for the pool at the bottom. Then… SPLAT! They smacked the water hard. Ella went under, but her legs went up. All this caused large gushes of water to go up her snotills (her term for nostrils) and into her mouth.

When she came up, she screamed. And amid the screams came a “Don’t ever take me on that again, Dad. I hate waterslides’’. We heard this sentence for much of the rest of the day.

****

Fast forward to a week later. Ella and Holly have been happily playing with a little slide indoors. It’s aimed at two year olds, but Ella still loves it. Holding tightly onto her “baby’’ Jemima, she sat at the top of the slide, ready to push herself down.

Before plunging the two of them to the bottom, she turned to Jemima and said: `It’s OK Jemima, I’ll hold you over my head when we get to the bottom’’. See Dad, that’s how you do it.

Do you brave the waterslide at the pool? Do you have any tips for The Bloke in The Shed next time (apparently, Ella is over her fear and ready to try again)?
January 10, 2012
How having a baby has changed Beyonce

SINCE having baby girl Ivy Blue Carter with rapper Jay-Z yesterday, it’s clear to me motherhood has already changed singer Beyonce Knowles. Just checkout the Facebook conversation I was involved with last night.

Faces and names were deleted to protect the innocent. To take part in our Facebook conversations, connect with us on Three Li’l Princesses’ Facebook page.

So today, the question is: how has motherhood changed you?

January 9, 2012