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Tag: laugh

A sneak peek at the soon-to-be-released ebook

Yes, you read right. I’m giving you a little sneak peek inside the long awaited ebook from my popular newspaper column, Mum’s the Word. The ebook will be released in conjunction with Fairfax’s The Advocate Newspaper in Tasmania.

To get you all up to speed, back when I first became up the duff with Princess Ella, I began writing what was a light-hearted and humorous look at having a bun in the oven. Once Ella was born, readers requested it continue and so the columns went on to document the first year of her life – the good, the bad and the down-right hilarious.

The series was read by a readership of 90,000, yet many of my readers here on the blog know little about it. So this is my chance to share that story with you. But the real reason? Four years on, The Bloke in The Shed and I receive comments weekly about that column -what parts they could relate to, what made them laugh and what was happening in their child’s life at the time. Can I add, a large number of these are middle-aged men. No joke.

One of the reasons for introducing you to this just before it’s released is because we’re on the hunt for the best title for the book. Whoever can come up with the title that wins our hearts – and maybe even makes us laugh – will score a credit in the book!

Here’s the first column in the book for a bit of inspiration:

Nauseous, patronised and fat — but happy

August 15, 2007

PEOPLE ask ‘‘how are you feeling?’’ like I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I’m just up the duff, for Pete’s sake. And if it is a disease, for me at least, it wasn’t that easy to catch — despite the warnings.

What you don’t learn — until now — is that there’s this minute window of ovulation each month, which will have you running to the bedroom faster than a cheetah chasing a limping gazelle. Sorry, nan. Perhaps you better go and make that cup of tea now.

Now, there’s some tragics — who shall remain nameless — who try to help the little blighters in their swimming endeavours by raising their legs in the air after ‘‘the deed’’. Come on. We all know it’s easier to swim with the current, not against it.

Mind you, the other theory is that you only want the toughest swimmers, not some measly little tadpole that got through on a free ticket. Just because Steven Bradbury won a gold medal, it doesn’t make him a legend.

If you want to get technical, you can go into the whole lunar moon thing, which gives you a second crack each month at scoring. But, in the end, the mission was achieved and no, it’s no disease.

Unless you count the first four months, where I felt like I’d been on the biggest New Year’s Eve bender —just the spewy end of the bender, minus the high. Plus, I look like I haven’t slept for a month after stumbling from my slumber for a leak for the third time in one night and being kicked awake in-between.

My tummy looks like I’ve indulged in Christmas lunch every meal — with beers — for the past six months. And you leak from everywhere. Trust me, it’s gross. OK, so maybe there’s reason to think I have The Pregnancy Disease.

But the worst of it is the baby eating my brain. Those times when you put the Cornflakes in the fridge or leave the paid-for groceries at the supermarket, happen regularly. But seriously, I have nothing to complain about, in fact, it’s been one of the most amazing things I’ve . . . Sorry, what was I saying?

February 29, 2012
What the heck are stage presents?

Princess Ella and I are very similar – apart from the fact I have great hair. We bond over singing, dancing, drawing, music, craft and preening my great hair.

Only yesterday we spent the afternoon making special letters for each of the kids at childcare she won’t see again after this week. Tomorrow marks the last day of childcare before she graduates to “big girl school’’.

However, there’s one little thing that is fast becoming “our special bonding moment’’. The one hour-long block that is just for us to talk about the things that connect us most. It’s Young Talent Time and the singing and dancing.

Ella is a 7pm to bed person, but on Sundays I’ve been allowing her to stay up until 7.30pm. We talk about what performances we liked best, who we thought should have won, how good (or bad) the singing was and why the dancing worked (or didn’t). I try to encourage her to look at the negatives of a performance constructively – rather than just “that was terrible, Mum’’.

It’s also been a chance to share some of my (limited) singing and dancing knowledge from years of lessons. Like when the rock guitarist performed on Sunday, I was trying to explain to her about “stage presence’’. “But where are the presents, Mum?’’ Failed on that one.

Then, when we were marvelling at the YTT team’s performance of Beyonce’s Halo, her only reaction at the end was: “The sky is green? And the ground is blue? What? That’s like Upsey Down Town, Mum. That’s silly.’’ Upsey Down Town being a popular Play School song.

The last was again during the rock guitar performance, where host Rob Mills introduces her performance by saying “she’ll rock your socks off’’. Ella’s response: “But where is she going to put them?’’ After a long and detailed explanation of what “rock your socks off’’ means, she asked: “Can I rock my socks off with my recorder?’’ Eat your heart, darling.

What’s your special bonding moment with your children?

February 6, 2012
The Shed: A strange man just played with my bits

By The Bloke in The Shed

It isn’t every day I let a strange man play with my bits. This day was not any day though and, strictly speaking, he was a doctor.

The time had come for my first medical appointment to ensure no further princesses or princes were added to our household. Here I was with Princess Kel by my side talking to a man about… well, you know… “The Snip’’.

The urologist opened with the line “well, there’s only one reason I see a fit, young bloke like you and his wife …’’. Yep, my sperm should be preparing for a road block.

I’m not sure what I expected, but I was a little surprised when our doctor started using Aussie terms I hadn’t heard or used since high school to describe the process. Did he just say “balls’’?

The most awkward bit came when he said “well, I’ll have to have a bit of a look down there’’. Scene: Kel sitting in same room behind a curtain while someone else fondles “the crown jewels’’. Weirdly, that was the part Princess Kel had the most questions about.

Kel and I had made the decision some time ago that I’d have a vasectomy after the birth of our second child. Seriously, I have been surprised at the negative reaction it’s received from some males. Things like: “What if you want to have more kids?”, “What if you get divorced?”, “You know it’s hard to reverse?’’, “You know Kellie could have a new device inserted which would last for a couple of years?’’etc. The last question actually came from someone in the medical profession.

Frankly, I’ve been shocked by all this. But I guess blokes are a little sensitive and perhaps a little stupidly protective about that whole area.

Me? Less so. Thanks to a reluctance of my “little pals” to drop, I have some horrific memories of several operations as a kid – picture trying to stretch a shoelace with your delicates attached and you’ll get a hint of what I went through. Hence, I consider myself lucky to have fathered children at all and am very content with what life has presented me.

The way I figure it is, I watched my wife suffer two troublesome pregnancies. If this makes our lives a little easier, then it’s the least I can do. I realise that the procedure is final and is incredibly hard to reverse. Fine with that. As I said, I consider myself lucky.

Our GP delivered some sound advice when he told us not to rush into it and leave it at least a year after the birth of Li’l Holly. Let’s face it, with a tired, breastfeeding wife, it’s not often during that time there is an issue in any case.

Yet, 16 months on, neither Kel nor I thought differently, but we did appreciate that time and space to reaffirm our decision. So, the operation is booked.

Why blog about it? Well, it just might just help someone out there. And besides, if your wife has been in the same room while a bloke fondles your balls, there is not much dignity left to be had.

If you have any questions about the process to this point or personal experiences let us know. Or feel free to share your experiences or reasons for your or your partner having “the snip’’.

Image credit.

February 2, 2012
WIN: Aussie Giveaway Linkup #34
This photo was taken while on the way to the library to pick up a book on social media this week.

What will they think of next? Stick figure car stickers for every member of the family? Heaven help us if that ever happens.

And now I’ve got that out of my system, it’s giveaway time. The same rules apply as always – click the links and start entering if you’re a reader.

If you’re a blogger or business wanting to take part in the Aussie Giveaway Linkup:
1. Only link directly to the giveaway post/s and include the prize and end date in the linky tool below. Link each giveaway separately. If you need to delete it, hover over your link, wait until the red “x’’ appears and click.
2. Giveaways must be open to Australian residents.
3. Grab the button to add to your post.
4. A new list is added each Sunday so bloggers need to add their links weekly.
5. Start entering the giveaways! Entry is at your own risk. We do not take responsibility for unfulfilled prizes or a blogger/business not abiding by their own terms and conditions.
Hosted by Three Lil Princesses Hosted by Three Lil Princesses
January 29, 2012
When a princess loses her fairytale ending

Family bedtime reading is starting to become a little lacklustre for Princess Ella. The stories that are fully engaging Li’l Holly – Where is the Green Sheep? and Spot Goes to the Farm – are leaving Ella wanting more. So, to help with her development, we’ve begun reading a “big girl book’’ after Holly is asleep. For the moment, it’s this book:

My Treasury of Fairytales. It’s full of longer fairytale reads, which are more focused on the story and less on the images. Although, the illustrations are quite incredible. We first cottoned onto these books with the My Nursery Rhymes Book.

Her favourite from the fairytale book is Jack and the Beanstalk, which I’ve now read about 738,469 times. I think it has something to do with the “Fe Fi Fo Fum’’ rhyme, despite the fact it’s about grinding bones to make bread. She probably now believes that’s how you make bread, just like she believes breastfeeding mums provide us with cartons of boobie juice for our Sultana Buds.

I tend to try and push her towards the more harmless Cinderella, The Ugly Ducking and Sleeping Beauty. Although, the latter has garnered questions about whether Sleeping Beauty would die if a prince didn’t kiss her.

Then there’s Hansel and Gretel. As we were reading it the other night, an alarm bell went off in my head: “stop reading. This is going to give her nightmares’’. But for some ridiculously stupid reason, I continued. I have no idea what that reason was, by the way.

In the car the next day, Ella piped up with: “Do you know what I’m thinking, Mum?’’. I could have answered with “why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but duck when the gun is thrown at him?’’, but I didn’t. Prompting her to continue, she said: “I was thinking how you went away and left me and I was really sad and I cried. And I was scared you weren’t going to come back.’’

Part of this story stems from taking her li’l sister away to Adelaide for a night for a bloggers brunch months earlier. But I think it was mainly prompted by Hansel and Gretel’s awful stepmother.

The clincher though came that night, when she woke at 1am crying. She was scared and didn’t want to be left alone. Five minutes later I was squished into a single bed with someone more akin to the main character out of the Princess and the Pea for all the wriggling that was going on.

We now no longer read Hansel and Gretel around here.

Are there fairytales you avoid with your children? Has your child been affected by a so-called child friendly story?

January 27, 2012
How to slide your way into a child’s bad books
DECKED out in their swimmers, they excitedly wave as they pass us on their way to the top of the waterslide. The Bloke in The Shed grabs a mat in the hope it might help he and Princess reach the bottom more smoothly.

As Li’l Holly and I waited for them to reach the top, we watched pretty young thangs in bikinis and fake tan, closely followed by scrawny white college boys with raging hormones (I could see it in their eyes) and horrendous pimples. They need to watch more daytime TV. Hello, Proactive!

As this took place, Holly and I learnt a few things that may have been quite valuable for The Bloke in The Shed to know BEFORE he made his descent with Ella.

Things like:
- A mat will actually make you go faster,
- Going down with two people will actually make you go faster,
- Being a heavier person will actually make you go faster.
Hmm, combine all three elements and you’re leaving Speedy Gonzalas for dead.

Then there was the little matter of children. Seasoned parents reached the bottom of the slide and then threw their arms into the air, holding tightly to their little ones so they weren’t dunked like Arnotts biscuits in a cup of English Breakfast tea. Most of the children stayed relatively dry.

All extremely valuable things to know. Of course, The Bloke in The Shed was totally obvious to all this.

Finally, it was time. Ella clung onto The Bloke in The Shed in the most awkward of ways, while the two pushed off on the mat plummeting faster than so-called prices as Coles supermarkets. As they made the final bend, they headed for the pool at the bottom. Then… SPLAT! They smacked the water hard. Ella went under, but her legs went up. All this caused large gushes of water to go up her snotills (her term for nostrils) and into her mouth.

When she came up, she screamed. And amid the screams came a “Don’t ever take me on that again, Dad. I hate waterslides’’. We heard this sentence for much of the rest of the day.

****

Fast forward to a week later. Ella and Holly have been happily playing with a little slide indoors. It’s aimed at two year olds, but Ella still loves it. Holding tightly onto her “baby’’ Jemima, she sat at the top of the slide, ready to push herself down.

Before plunging the two of them to the bottom, she turned to Jemima and said: `It’s OK Jemima, I’ll hold you over my head when we get to the bottom’’. See Dad, that’s how you do it.

Do you brave the waterslide at the pool? Do you have any tips for The Bloke in The Shed next time (apparently, Ella is over her fear and ready to try again)?
January 10, 2012