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Tag: laugh

SHED: Like mother, like son

Julian's mum with Baby Holly

AS A child, there were many things I thought I would turn into when I was “bigger”. For a while there I thought I would be the first fully professional BMX Bandit (Nicole Kidman beat me to it). Then I thought I’d make a good Prime Minister (I didn’t even make the school council). I also thought I’d be the first white Michael Jordan (I ended up closer resembling the first white Steve Urkel).

However, there’s definitely one thing I didn’t think I’d turn into when I grew up … and that was: MY MOTHER! Yes, you heard right. As time progresses as a parent, I fear – in fact, dread – I am turning into my mum.

Don’t get me wrong, there are worse things in the world to turn into (a Carlton supporter for one), but it’s a little disconcerting for a bloke in his late 30s to suddenly find himself channeling a lady with a penchant for Tupperware, knitting and candied ginger.

This phenomenon occurred to me the other day when I was scolding Princess Ella, whose three-year-old tantrums are making the “terrible twos’’ seem like a full body massage with a Pina Colada chaser. Tired of Ella’s rebellion, I launched into a lecture. “Ella, there are two words you have to stop saying – `no’ and ‘I don’t want to’,’’ I said. At the end of the sentence I realised the stupidity of what I’d just said and couldn’t help but burst into laughter. Ella looked at me like I was weird.

In hindsight though, something scared me. What I’d just said sounded completely like something my mum would have said. It was at THAT moment it occurred to me, as a parent, I was more like my mum than my dad.

Already Kel has caught me several times calling Ella “Holly” and Holly “Ella” – something my mum is famous for. Mind you, she had seven kids and I have two. Also, my version of discipline is pathetic, much like my mums. My siblings reckoned I had my mother wrapped around my little finger and, if that’s the case, then karma is a bitch. Kellie is constantly onto me because I no sooner threaten Ella than I give her chocolate and a cuddle. Wrong, I know, but I can’t help it.

Since this devastating revelation, I have come to terms with my path in life. I resolve that if indeed I am turning into my mum, I shall dedicate my future spare time to learning the difference between “knit” and “purl”. I am also now in the market for some mauve skivvies.

Read more from The Shed and don’t forget to vote in the Top 25 Daddy Blogs.

Then hop on over and visit Where’s My Glow?, where Kel is guest posting today.

Lastly, if you want to read about more daddy blogs, check out Reservoir Dad, who is putting together a list of Aussie dad bloggers today (direct link will be put up as soon as available).

March 30, 2011
He Said She Said: It’s not a fashion parade. Or is it?

Mum's version of Ella

SHE SAID:
PRINCESS Ella walked out wearing purple sneakers, pink cow socks, red shorts, a paint-stained yellow t-shirt and a brown peaked cap. Dressed by Daddy. Of course.
She was set for a day out with her dad. Well, not looking like that, you’re not! As expected, Julian throws back at me: “It’s not a fashion parade’’.
It’s after such a statement that I’m compelled to want to steer the bloke in The Shed in the direction of our full-length bedroom mirrors. What would he see? Hair that’s cut every five weeks to the day, a pair of Oakleys resting atop a stylish black Nike cap, Quicksilver t-shirt, two-month-old shorts and another new pair of white sneakers (which look exactly like the other 12 pairs in his wardrobe).
Sorry, but when Ella leaves the house I want her to look respectable, not like some scrubber from the Bronx. No offense, J-Lo. You just never know when the next European prince will fall in love with a Tasmanian.
It must be noted that after a major tantrum (from Ella and the bloke in The Shed), Ella was promptly changed into more “appropriate’’ clothing. It was incredible to see an instant change in the way she presented herself – from sitting with her legs spread and belly hanging out to walking like a lady and giggling with hands clasped over her li’l mouth. Awww. Now tell me that’s not cute.
Now, I’m not advocating dressing our kids like Suri Cruise. There’s something wrong about preschoolers in high heels and designer coats. However, I do want to see hair done (not scruffy mops of knots) and clothes co-ordinated (sorry, but the Punky Brewster look went out of style in the ‘80s). Mum has spoken. Enough said.

Dad's version of Ella

HE SAID:
I ask you, what in the world is wrong with a brown hat, a yellow top, red shorts, hot pink socks and purple shoes?
Exactly. Nothing.
Yet when I was about to walk out the door having dressed Princess Ella in said attire, the look on my good wife’s face was as if I’d dumped Ella in a bucket of tar, ripped open a doona and dumped it on her head.
“She is not going out with those clothes on,’’ was the scream from Kel. Stunned, Ella and I looked at Kel like she’d just slapped us across the face with a frozen fish.
Ella and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. “Why not,’’ we thought (but did dare not utter).
Ella was happy. She was comfy and her track record suggested she’d get the clothes so dirty we’d be changing them again in an hour anyway. I was happy. I grabbed the first clothes I could from the pile of washing within arm’s reach and managed to get Ella completely dressed without spilling a drop of my coffee. Ella and I were going to watch a pet parade, not a fashion show, what did we care how we looked?
Well, obviously we’d missed a chapter in the “How to Keep Mum Happy” Handbook. As far as mum was concerned there was going to be other people we knew at the event and therefore Ella had to look “respectable” (even though Ella’s natural attire at home is a fairy dress, no undies – from not being bothered enough to put them back on after going to the toilet – and a Dora Explorer t-shirt).
No, it was clear. Apparently I could “inadvertently” teach Ella how to pick her nose or show her the joys of the “pull my finger” game, but dare I dress her in red shorts for a day out in public then it is grounds for divorce. I didn’t even buy her the red shorts. Kellie did.

So, is it important how your kids look when in public? Share your opinion on this He Said She Said.

Also, Julian said he’d pay you if you voted for him in the Top 25 Daddy Blogs at Circle of Moms. Mind you, he said the same thing if I’d agree to marry him.

March 21, 2011
Lesson for wives No. 4: Bras are for boobs

OK, THIS may not be a lesson just for wives. In fact I think the main culprits of this disturbing trend are probably not in steady, long-term relationships, but it is an important lesson to be noted nonetheless. Although one of the recent culprits I witnessed was indeed pushing their pram up the street when I saw them commit this heinous crime.

“What is the crime?’’ I hear you shout. Well, when did it become OK to use your bra to hold you mobile phone?

Seriously, I am not joking, in the past week I have seen about 10 women at different times poke their mobile phone into their bra instead of their pocket. It’s a growing phenomenon. I wasn’t even aware Target sold bras with built-in mobile phone holders these days (and if they aren’t, then on the evidence, maybe they should start).

Ladies, while it may be convenient, it looks downright ordinary and if you think otherwise we blokes might just start sticking our Nokia’s down the front of our Bonds hipsters … um, though I’m not sure I’d then want to stick the phone to my ear without giving it a good wipe down first.

Now, I can hear you all thinking “well, what are you doing looking when women do this?’’. Well sorry, but frankly it’s hard not too. It’s especially disconcerting when standing, waiting for service at a shop beside a lady when her boobs start ringing to the tune of Lady Gaga’s latest single.

Please, remember boobs are for bras and mobile phones are best kept in pockets or those expensive things designed for carrying stuff you girls love so much – yep, handbags.

Read more Lessons for wives.

Rewinding with And Then There Were Four.

March 9, 2011
He Said She Said: What age should you introduce children to technology?

Ella with Nan's iPhone.

SHE SAID:

Baby Holly popped out into the world five months ago, the first thing she saw was the flashing of a camera courtesy of the midwife. They’re not photos I’m keen to share, by the way. In fact, they’re not photos I particularly wanted taken. But, despite not having the stomach to look at them, I also don’t have the heart to destroy them.

My point is, technology is everywhere, so it’s hard to shield our li’l ones from it. However, I believe there’s a limit on when and how much. While we were unsuccessful in not allowing Ella TV before age two, the rule has been strictly adhered to for technology.

Every child and every family will be different. Now at three, Princess Ella has already been exposed to her nan’s iPhone and played games and watched clips on the ABC website (she knows the web address by heart, thanks to Giggle and Hoot). But it’s been in moderation and with mum and dad assisting.

Before they’re bamboozled with iPads and iPhones, I want our girls to learn to write their name on a piece of paper with that wooden thing called a pencil. Let’s paint a picture with “real’’ paint, not some computerised paint program that has a pop-up telling you Dora is your friend. Make music using instruments – yes, a saucepan is so an instrument. And let’s look at nature actually in the outdoors (view our post tomorrow as part of Sunday Selections).

Technology can be fun and educational, but there’s nothing quite like the real thing. My goal for my two girls is simply to aim for some balance. And somehow manage to keep Holly away from it until she turns two – but I know the chances of that are as likely as Bill Gates going broke. Then, the fun really begins. Just ask Shelly from Tropical Mum.

HE SAID:

THERE is only a small number of minor issues with exposing your child to technology at a young age. One such issue became obvious when I showed Princess Ella a butterfly just resting on the screen door yesterday afternoon. The butterfly, obviously knackered by a full day of doing whatever the heck it is butterflies do, was enjoying a lovely rest and was not moving an inch. Ella looked at it closely, looked at me and look at it again. She then looked up at me and in the most innocent tones asked: “Has it run out of batteries?”
A tentative grasp on reality aside, there should be little fear when introducing your child to the wonders of modern technology. God knows, this generation of kids is going to grow up in a world dominated by it.
It’s interesting to see my good wife try and argue otherwise as we both sit here with a laptop each on our laps, connected to our wireless broadband network and iPhone within easy reach. Seriously, the sooner kids learn to deal with technology the better prepared they will be to deal with life in the 21st century.
Just cast your mind back 10 years. A decade ago, when our marriage was in its infancy, we had dial up internet, which would drop out more than it would connect, a desktop computer which took up a whole desktop and a mobile phone which did nothing but make phone calls and send text messages (how did we cope!).
Well in 2021, imagine the world Princess Ella will be living in as a 13-year-old. My guess is she won’t attend school as kids will attend virtual classrooms, she’ll have an iPad the size of a Golden Book and will be capable of texting at a rate of 233 words per second. So, why fight it?
My only hope is, that by the time Ella is actually a teenager, there’s an iPhone app I can download which gives me the names and addresses of any boy who dares look twice at her.

**We’re keen to hear your opinion, but ask you please be respectful of others’ opinions. Heck, listen to us for starters!

And while you’re here, vote in our poll – that’s the thing at the side there.

This post was part of Day 19 of 31 Days To Build A Better Blog – write an opinion piece.

March 5, 2011
FEATURE: Best of…
One of our “best bits''.

IF THIS was an album, it would be called a Best Of. Instead, it’s a blog, so we’re calling it a Sneeze Page. It’s also part of Day 18 of 31 Days To Build A Better Blog.

A Sneeze Page is something that “propels people in different directions deep within your blog by highlighting a variety of posts you’ve previously written”. Of course, we’ve only been blogging for a month, so our archives aren’t exactly “deep”.

So we’re bringing you the best bits from the past month that made us laugh, cry (that would be the iPhone story) and think about the future. Enjoy!
Do you agree with our list, or was there another of our posts that you would have included? Let us know.

By the way, today I’m taking part in FlogYoBlog Friday for the first time. Click on the links to read some other awesome posts from around the mummy blogosphere!
March 4, 2011
FEATURE: How to survive grocery shopping… with kids
Princess Ella devouring her strawberries from “Santa''.

WEDNESDAY mornings are like Christmas in our house – minus chocolate for brekkie. The neighbours can hear Princess Ella’s squeals as the gift bearer arrives at the door. She then proceeds to explain how she’s got pink underpants on and “look, I’ve got strong muscles. See?’’ Vital information. After they leave, we excitedly unpack the parcels to see what they’ve left.

Of course, I already know what they’ve left. Yes, the Coles lady is like Santa Claus in our house.

With a five-month-old breastfed baby, heading to a supermarket with the worry I might have to back myself into the deli section to feed mid shop terrifies me. Add to that a preschooler who’s tempted by anything in a shiny wrapper and I fear the place more than the dentist (I’ve already had six teeth pulled in my lifetime).

So, when I discovered online grocery shopping I thought all my Christmases had come at once – and so did the three year old. Now, instead of screaming for the chocolates at the grocery counter, she’s squealing “look Mum, strawberries’’ in our kitchen.

Mind you, when I describe the Coles lady as being like Santa, I really do mean it. No, she’s doesn’t have a beard – that I’ve noticed, anyway. She’s like Saint Nic, because most weeks she brings us free samples. Granted, last week we were left disappointed because all we received was a small bottle of deodorant.

Ungrateful li’l…., you say. Well, it’s hard to take when the week prior we received:
- Two packets of mini Milky Ways
- Two packets of Cadburys assorted mini chocolates
- Two gossip magazines
- A box of Robert Timms coffee bags
- Another mini deodorant
- Vitamin water
- A large bottle of spring water
- A large V8 juice
- Two big packets of Dorritos
All free! Clever marketing, I say. Although, I started to wonder if maybe the Coles lady had left behind someone else’s shopping. In fact, I didn’t touch any of it (despite Ella’s pleading) until the next day in fear she’d return and want them back.

Every time I heard a vehicle outside, I’d get Ella to check if it was the Coles lady. Of course, she obliged because, well, a second visit from Santa in one day would have made her the happiest girl in the world.

So, my answer to surviving grocery shopping with kids? Stay at home! The kids will love you for it.

Yum!

What are your tips for surviving shopping with the kids? Have you embraced online grocery shopping yet?
March 2, 2011